5 basic steps for constructive communication
Communication is crucial in maintaining a healthy relationship. We communicate to avoid misunderstanding and to prevent or resolve problems. Good communication also includes good listening skills. Do you actively listen to your partner? With active listening, you can really understand what your partner is saying and help your partner feel heard and valued.
So, what are the 5 basic steps to good communication?
Pick your moment. Pick the time when everyone is calm, well rested and has time to talk. Also, it is important to filter out and think if the matter is really important for you to address. Sometimes it’s better to let little things go and save negotiations for issues that mean a lot to you.
Be positive. Look for opportunities to say positive things or raise problems in a positive way with the help of positive body languages, such as sitting or standing in a relaxed way, trying not to frown or look too serious, making eye contact with your partner, and sitting or standing near each other.
Keep it brief. Long and wordy explanations can sound like a lecture and create a barrier for your partner to try and understand you. Try to address what is most important to you in a short and clear sentence. Sometimes other issues and concerns will come up, but it’s best to stay focused on the topic.
Take responsibility of your feelings. Rather than pointing out what your partner is or isn’t doing, it’s best to share your own feelings (worry, doubt or sadness) and thoughts about a situation. Use “I statement” while communicating about your feelings. For example, you could say, ‘You’re always on your phone or laptop. And I have to get dinner ready and look after the children’. But it might be better to say, ‘I feel (”I statement”) really stressed when I’m rushing around to get dinner ready. I’d find it easier if the children were occupied. Could you be available to help out around dinner time?’ Your partner is likely to feel more open and less defensive if you take this approach.
Avoid saying hurtful things. Try to avoid calling your partner names (“You are stupid”), bringing up the past, questioning your partner’s intentions or motivations (“You just don’t care), making unhelpful comparisons (“You’re just like your mother”) and phrases that imply someone is always wrong or not trying (“You always... You never does...”).
Taking communication with your partner isn’t something you do only when you have a problem. If you regularly practice to share thoughts and feelings and enjoy each other’s company, it’s good for your communication and relationship overall. And it builds a good foundation for talking when there is a problem.
All relationships have their ups and downs. But if you’re really upset at the end of most conversations with your partner or you feel that you don’t ever get to share your feelings, it might help to speak to someone. You can talk to a trusted friend or family member, GP or counsellor.
Couple counselling can help. If your partner doesn’t want to go it’s still worth seeking help, even by yourself.
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